I regret not getting on here more consistently to post. It's so nice to look back on older posts when the kids were younger; it almost feels like a different life. And there's something peaceful about blogs. I have a few I enjoy reading; unlike other social media, blogs make you slow down, and that's nice. For me, when I started my blog in 2009, I was a very young mother, 22, and had a two year old and a baby, it was my outlet and journal. I was trying to find my way in motherhood and marriage. We have never had family in state, so we were very much on our own, and that was hard. I look back on those early years, and I can feel the tears coming to the surface. We had a beautiful life, and I wouldn't change a thing, but I needed encouragement then, especially from my mom. When we told my parents we were expecting our first baby, my mother's response was, "I wish you would have waited". It was twenty years ago, but it still stings a little. I don't remember my mom ever telling me back then that I was doing a good job as a mother. If she had, it would have meant so much to me. I was too hard on myself and never felt like I was measuring up. Although I'm not close to my parents and have felt a lot of hurt from them over the years, in a way I am thankful. I hope to never treat my children and adult children the way I have been treated. I hope to support them in their endeavors, respect them as adults, and most of all, I hope to see them for who they really are.
I turned 40 this past summer. It's funny, when I was younger, 40 sounded so old, but I see now it's not; it's a wonderful age. There's a funny thing that happens with maturing and growing older: you just care less about what other people think. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had stopped chasing certain people's approval years ago. I'm a recovering people pleaser; I have always wanted perfect harmony with those around me. I realized I measured my self-worth by other people's response and opinion of me. So when my mom was upset because we were expecting Eleanor, I was devastated and felt maybe we had made a mistake. When really I shouldn't have given that awful comment a second thought. When I think of our children hopefully telling us one day they will be parents, I can not imagine saying those words to them, " I wish you would have waited".
The sad thing about people-pleasing is, you're not pleasing anyone; not the person you're trying to gain approval from, but most importantly, you're not pleasing yourself. People-pleasing leaves you discouraged, feeling empty, and not knowing who you are.
So, so long to people-pleasing and chasing after relationships that will never exist.
As a parent, more than being right, I want to see and know my kids. I want to really see them, and I want them to feel supported by my husband and me.
I didn't sit down thinking I would write about this, but here it is, so I guess I needed to.
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