Eleanor loves to give him mower rides!
I took this picture this morning to see if I looked as bad as felt. Turns out I look ok! HA! The past six days have been rough. We felt so good and much better from Covid but we overdid it two weekends ago and have really paid for it. This virus has been much more difficult and long than I expected. I did not expect to crash like we did. Both Clay and I have been weak and tired. He has struggled with more brain fog and I have lost my appetite again. It is slowly coming back. The mornings are the most difficult for me because I usually have some anxiety and that makes eating even more challenging. God is with us and has taught us so much. I have started thanking Him for things I didn't think I could be thankful for. Being consciously grateful is life-giving and helps pull you out of the pit. The spiritual discussions Clay and I have had have been really nice. Clay started reading the Prologue to us in the evenings and also a book recommended by our church. Those times have gone so well and those discussions have also been great!
Probably the two biggest lessons we have learned: God will always, always take care of us, and the second is to stop thinking about ourselves so much and pray for others.
Elder Thaddeus of Vitovinca said, "I realized that we all worry about ourselves too much and that only he who leaves everything to the will of God can feel truly joyous, light, and peaceful."
Having our eyes on ourselves and sufferings is just what the evil one wants! He wants us to be consumed with ourselves, terrified with fear, and believing his lies. Because when we are in this state we can not possibly do good. We are blinded from what really matters, knowing God. My husband calls it viewing our circumstances through a magnifying glass, everything is bigger than it really is. I have lived most of my life this way and it is time to stop. Praying for others has been so helpful for me in times of anxiety. It helps me to calm down and to see that things aren't that bad. I was pretty discouraged the other day about how long covid has lasted for us and my husband said, "your day is going to matter in eternity, how are you going to spend it?" I realized I could spend my tired, sick day feeling sorry for myself, or I could spend it praying for others. The latter brings peace and the first anxiety!
Someone had their first day back to work this past Monday after four weeks of medical leave! We are all so thankful he is doing so well and able to work again, he is too! He said it felt good to be back. Love that smile!!
Eleanor and I had been wanting to go on a date but with Covid our plans kept getting put off. We grabbed a treat from the coffee shop, ran some errands, and visited our favorite thrift shop. I love talking with her and spending time with her, she is so interesting! I joke I want to be like Eleanor when I grow up. She's pretty special.
I loved my husband before Covid but since I love and appreciate him so much more. He is such a kind and special person. He cares so deeply for me and the children and those around him, he is always checking on people from church. Recently he made a long prayer list of almost everyone we know, we add to it as we think of people.
I remember this day, we had recently moved to our little town in the country and went out exploring. Family memories do not need to be expensive or overboard to be so special and fun. I think of all the memories Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote about in her many books and they were the simple, everyday events that made her life so beautiful. I want our children to remember the ordinary memories with love and know that we loved them so much.
My husband and I met the first day of the College school year, well, actually it was an event before the first day. I remember he had this crazy bushy beard. I was from Florida and I don't remember too many people with beards. His blue eyes were so bright and his smile was so sincere. One of the first things we talked about were books, I knew he was a keeper.
This past Saturday we took the kids to a car show at Ash Grove Park. It was so fun! I knew the kids would enjoy it but they LOVED it and kept thanking us for taking them. Gosh, they really are the sweetest. More and more I realize just how amazing these kids are, they are such kind and sincerely human beings. They love going to church, they are helpful to others, they encourage each other, I just really love them and am so thankful they call me Mom. (don't get me wrong, they have their moments just like the rest of us!) Glory to God for blessing our outing after so many weeks at home due to Covid.
Moses is almost 2 and a half and talking up a storm. He loves to play outside, in fact I think he would live out there if we let him. He loves to "help" with jobs, and ecspecially vaccuum. He really enjoys telling people hello and waving to them. It is so sweet! He is our most curious child, which I didn't think was possible with Boaz around. The other day I walked into the living room and Moses had a sheepish grin, he had squeezed a pile of diaper cream on top of my prayer book and the coffee table. He promtly said, "sorrymom", he says it quick, like it's one word. We all love it.
I have missed documenting our life in this way. I love looking back at old posts, it's therapeutic. On September 19th my husband came down with Covid and shortly after I and the children got sick. Eleanor was the last one to get sick. I was so surprised by how awful it was. The fatigue was all-consuming, so much so that one day I didn't think I could stand. I did not have it as bad as my husband. I was still able to rest and at times get up and help the kids or prepare food but my husband was never able to do that. As the days went by I was watching his O2 get lower and lower. When it was in the low 90s I asked our doctor if he could prescribe steroids. He wouldn't, he said it wouldn't help. Then one day I woke up and first thing checked his O2, it was 87. When I told my husband what his 02 was he lifted up his finger and said "I'm fine." I said, "no babe, it is below 90." He said, "I'm telling you, I feel the best I have felt in a really long time." It was a challenge to convince him to be seen but I was eventually able to. Our doctor wanted him to go to the hospital but Clayton was afraid of how they would treat him. He went to the clinic in town and they prescribed antibiotics, steroids, an inhaler, and nebulizing treatments. His O2 still wasn't coming up so he found a doctor in town that would prescribe oxygen at home, among other medicines. This guy was a lifesaver! I was too weak to drive Clay to the appointment but a friend offered too and I am so grateful he did.
This time was one of the hardest, scariest times in our lives. Seeing Clayton, my strong, healthy husband weak on oxygen was the hardest part. Being sick myself and trying to care for everyone almost felt impossible at times. We were truly in survival mode. When Eleanor got sick I asked my Dad to come help. God was so merciful. I'm not sure how we would have managed without my Dad. That and the help and meals we received from friends.
We are on week four of Clayton not working (he will go back to work next week) and we are finally feeling better and more human. I am so thankful!
Suffering is interesting, I find myself being super thankful for the ability to do mundane tasks like the dishes or laundry.
Tomorrow Clayton has to get the flu vaccine and I am so afraid he will just get sick again. He usually doesn't feel well after getting it. His religious exemption did get approved for the Covid vax and we are so grateful.
Today I dropped Eleanor off at the library for her volunteer work. Then I went to the grocery store and the thrift shop. I made lunch for my family, did math with Felicity, rested with Moses in the afternoon, wrote my Grandmother a letter, played Yahtzee with Boaz and Felicity, and then got dinner ready. All these ordinary occurrences felt so good and right. I really want to be more present with my family and not always worrying about what needs to happen next. I'm tired of trying to get it all done and rushing around like a mad lady. It will never be done. There will always be work and tasks to accomplish. With Christ, I can be more peaceful and present. I know it will take time to grow in this area. Just like it takes time to strengthen a new muscle, it will take time to strengthen my thoughts in this area.
I don't look at this storm we recently went through as a form of trauma. I realized, while sick, that we will go through some really hard and scary times and that's ok. HE will never leave us or forsake us. HE loves us and remembers us, and will always take care of us. I know I will have to learn this lesson again and again.
We all enjoyed some hot chocolate the other night! It was so fun!! Life might get challenging but I am so thankful for these beautiful and merciful people God has given me.
