Monday, March 16, 2015

Having Hope

Last week I was sick from Tuesday night to Saturday.  Yesterday was my first semi decent day.  It was a weird sickness, I would think I was getting over it, complete a simple task like make dinner and then crash again.  Boaz was also sick but still managed to play and act relatively normal, except for being a little emotional and fussy.  :)  I, however, thought I was going to die if I had to rest one more day!  I kind of felt like God was abandoning me.  Isn't that silly?  It was just a virus and logically, being sick for four days is not that long.  But that is how weak our nature's can be.  But in the suffering I had moments of peace and closeness to Him.  One day I said to Clay, "I wish I could have the peace I have right now everyday."  I didn't feel rushed or in a hurry to get a bunch of crap accomplished, like I do when I have energy, because I couldn't, I just couldn't get much done. I could only be present, and pray.  I was reminded of ALL the people that are terminally ill and feel awful everyday.

When I am sick I struggle with guilt.  I feel guilty for not getting a lot accomplished, I feel guilty for watching a movie, or doing something else that might be enjoyable.  Last week, when I had NO energy, I was also struggling with the comparison game.  I thought I had made huge strides in that area.  I had not struggled with it in ages, but then, like a slap to the face, there I was cutting myself down for stupid stuff.  Facebook is fine, and I like it like the next person, but when I have the flu and look awful that is NOT the time to look on facebook! I was seeing post about all the fun places Mom's were taking their kids, or how nice and put together some of my friends looked...all of which on a normal day would not have bothered me.  The evil one can really play nasty mind games with us, can't he?   Oddly enough when I am thinking these thoughts about people I am in no position to love or show mercy.  Funny how that works, isn't it? 

Today is a new day with new mercies and I have a Father that loves me.  I will hope that no one else gets sick this week, but I will not be surprised if someone does.  The main person I am begging God to spare is my sweet husband.  Nursing school and this virus would not go together!

It is sunny and beautiful today.  The chickens that have not been laying, gave us two eggs, so I will bake cookies because every single day Boaz tells me I should make cookies.  The goals of a three year old!  Eleanor got her next two Gregor books in from the library so she is very occupied.  Athanasius is as full of energy as ever...the poor kid really needs a tree to climb and a field to run in.  Our small backyard will have to do.  He is my clothes hound, the boy loves clothes.  So I think he is excited about the change in seasons!  Felicity has done away with her first nap.  So now homeschool is even more crazy!  Oh well...I'm not going to fret over it.  She is so cute I just have to squeeze her all the time, I'm sure I drive her crazy.  Actually, we kind of all drive her crazy.  I gave her bangs last week.  Because, you know, that's a really great thing to do when you have the flu and are not in your right mind!  I do not have a picture...lets just say they are on the short side.  Have you ever given a one year old bangs?  No? Me either.  It is no simple task.  Actually, it is a bad idea.  When Clay got home and saw them he said, "You have been reading too much Flicka, Ricka, Dicka!" 

I found this painting yesterday and really love it.  I do not know the story behind it but it reminds me of St. Xenia.  The artist is Dmitri Petrov.

I wish I knew why she was wearing all those medals?  I love the lighting, the icons in the back, and all the plants.  You can tell from her face she is a survivor but also a lover of beauty.  I love the cat too. 

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